Home > NFL > Week 3 NFL Picks: Sucking Less!

Week 3 NFL Picks: Sucking Less!

4-11-1. That’s how it went down last week. I know (think?) I’m better than that. I hope I’m better than that.

Me, last week.

The good news is I actually am better than 4-11-1. The bad news is that I’m not better enough for it to matter. Last week’s 6-9-1 performance makes me feel at least slightly better about myself. At least for a little while. Then I realize that I chose Jay Cutler over Drew Brees, Rex Grossman over Kevin Kolb, and a McCown brother over Mark Sanchez and it makes me want to reach for the whiskey.

I suppose the benefit of being 10-20-2 through two weeks is I don’t have the temptation to bet actual money. In years past I’ve had a couple of good weeks and convinced myself that it was a good idea to fire up the old Bodog account only to find that as soon as it matters all my picks suck. Now my picks are still sucking with no financial implications! Outstanding

Odds this week from Pinnacle Sports, because Bodog doesn’t have its shit together.

BENGALS (-1.5) over 49ers: Did I mention I picked Alex Smith over Tony Romo last week? Because I did!

****

Patriots (-7) over BILLS: The Patriots defense can’t stop a nosebleed, but the Bills let Jason Campbell put up over 300 yards last week. Jason Campbell.

****

SAINTS (-4) over Texans: Is there a chance Ben Tate is better than Arian Foster? Either way the Saints defense will be the stiffest test the Texans have faced yet. And I’m really interested in seeing if this Texans defense is really as good as their numbers suggest, or if they’re nothing more than the beneficiaries of a soft schedule

****

Giants (+9) over EAGLES: If Mike Vick isn’t playing the line on this game drops by like five points. It’ll be interesting to see if he can finish the game — I have a feeling he probably shouldn’t be starting. Over/under on Giants players who fake injuries this week: 3.5

****

BROWNS (-1.5) over Dolphins: Kill me with this game.

****

TITANS (-6.5) over Broncos: Denver Broncos fans are quickly ascending my list of most hated fanbases. Kyle Orton — 1-1, 3 TDs, 1 INT — gets shat on by these people because he isn’t John Elway. Let me tell you dimwits something: You could be doing a lot worse than Kyle Orton, okay? Just ask Jacksonville, San Francisco, Seattle, Miami, Oakland, Kansas City, and Indianapolis how it’s going for them. I hope you get your wish and Tim Tebow becomes the starter. Tebow guaranteed to be one million percent suckier than Orton.

****

Lions (-3) over VIKINGS: If I was actually, you know, gambling money on this game, I would try to buy this line up to like 7. The  Vikings are ATROCIOUS.

****

PANTHERS (-3.5) over Jaguars: I am starting to think I owe Cam Newton an apology. Do you think he reads this blog? Yeah you’re right, he definitely does.

****

CHARGERS (-14.5) over Chiefs: Can you imagine if Rashard Mendenhall, Troy Polamalu, and Heath Miller were all out for the year after two weeks? Welcome to the Chiefs. What a nightmare.

****

RAIDERS (+3) over Jets: Once again, I am betting against Mark Sanchez. I dont’ know why I have zero trust in the Jets but for some reason I always find ways to talk myself into picking against them. My reasoning this week is I think they’ll fail to take the Raiders seriously, spend too much time dicking around in San Francisco, my friend Carmina will bang Mark Sanchez’s brains out the night before the game, and they’ll get blown out by two touchdowns. See? That easy.

****

Ravens (-4) over RAMS: The Rams win the award for most poorly coached team of the week for their fumbletastic performance in New York on Monday night in front of the entire world. The Rams are the kind of team you really want to root for, what with their Ben Folds look-alike at quarterback and cadre of slow, white wide receivers. Buuuuuut the Ravens will probably crush them and there isn’t anything that can be done about it.

****

Falcons (+1) over BUCCANEERS: Last week Matt Ryan played a particularly sloppy two and a half quarters, kind of picked it up in the second half, ended up winning the game and had a pretty good stat line to go with it, and Cris Collinsworth (who I like) made it sound like he went out there on one leg and led his team back from three touchdowns behind. SIGNATURE WIN FOR THIS YOUNG MAN RIGHT HERE, MATT RYAN. THIS IS MATT RYAN HE HAS GUTS HE GOT SACKED. WHAT A PERFORMANCE SHUT UP I DON’T CARE THAT HE THREW SOME INTERCEPTIONS HE IS GREAT. Dude hasn’t won anything analysts talk about him like he’s Joe Montana. Kills me.

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Cardinals (-3.5) over SEAHAWKS: If I could possibly care less about two teams.

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Packers (-3.5) over BEARS: As I was typing BEARS (+3.5) over Packers, NFL network started rolling video of Jay Cutler getting sacked unlimited times by the Saints last week.

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Redskins (+6.5) over COWBOYS: Boomer Esiason, of all people, raised a remarkably prescient point about Tony Romo’s brave comeback following a punctured lung last week in San Francisco:

“I hear all this lip service about how we have to take care of the players,” Esiason told the paper. “We have to move the kickoff up, we have to limit the amount of high-speed collisions, we can’t hit the QB any more. And yet we have a guy who has two cracked ribs, a punctured lung, and we’re going to shoot him up with a numbing agent and put him back in the game? There’s something inherently wrong with that…You can make that your headline: ‘Why the hell isn’t the NFL investigating how Tony Romo got back on the field? [sic] And why are we glorifying it? Why are we now saying Tony Romo’s the greatest QB of all time because he showed toughness? That mindset is supposedly what the NFLPA and the NFL are trying to get away from it. Yet here we are glorifying it after the fact. You can’t have it both ways.”

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COLTS (+10.5) over Steelers: Peyton Manning might be gone, but Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are still there, and they’re going to absolutely terrorize the Steelers’ woeful offensive line. If Mendenhall can’t get established early and the Steelers have to pass all day, it could get very ugly. I’m also worried that because the Colts have nothing to lose they’ll play fast and loose and catch the Steelers off-guard.

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  1. September 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

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